Laboring Along

This is how I find myself feeling on this Labor day...like I'm laboring along with a heavy load on my back. My temp job is over and I'm under pressure to earn some money another way before the next round of bills are due. I'm anxiously waiting to hear from a church I feel very called to. Constantly checking my email, waiting for the phone to ring. Preferably the phone. If it's good news I think they'll call. But when?!?!? I'm in an agonizing state of being as summer fades into fall. A time I thought and hoped I would be moving on to something new. A season where I wanted the waiting to be behind me. But I'm still waiting. Still at home. Still unsure of what each day will bring. And it's hard to breathe sometimes...not knowing what will come next or which problem to tackle first. Find a call? Wait on that church? Get a job to pay the bills? Oy.

I find this also to be a time of temptation. I am tempted to give up. To let the despair and anxiety take over. I'm tempted to think the church isn't my call after all. I'm tempted to look not for temporary, but for permanent work outside the church. I'm tempted to quit.

All of these feelings lead me back to the last sermon I preached in seminary. One I sent on a dvd to that church. One that spoke of wrestling. Jacob wrestling with God and me wrestling with God, demons, temptation, anxiety, fear, and impatience. Wrestling each night as I try to sleep. Waiting for my blessing. And feeling the pain in my hip.

I know there is a blessing at the end of the wrestling. Because I know that...I resist the temptations with all my strength. I know there is a blessing. And I hope to get to that blessing soon.