O-Day is Looming Large

Monday is O-Day. The day results from the Ordination Exams come in. By 3pm on Monday I will know whether I passed or failed each of the four brain-numbing exams I took at the end of August. The denomination would have me believe that my passing or failing these exams is a reflection of my call to ministry. Those who have been through them, are not paid to be advocates of the process, and have any honesty in them know that is not true. The Ords are not any indication of the validity of my call. And really not much indication of my readiness for ministry. They're a crapshoot.

Here's how the process truly goes...an insider perspective. I obsess and try to study, though much less than I'd hoped to, all through my summer of CPE in Ohio. I come back to campus 2 days before the exams. In the first two days of exams I take 3 exams, 3 hours each. At the end of day two I get a 4th exam to take home which I work on for 5 days before being completely finished. And then I wait. For 8 weeks I wait. The exams are shipped off and sorted for grading. There is a grading weekend where the ministers and elders selected to read exams convene. They spend days in a hotel reading exams from morning into the night. They know nothing about me - not my name, my seminary, nothing - just what is written in response to the questions. The graded exams are shipped back to the national office and sorted for distribution. The grades will come by fax to Columbia's Dean of Students. He and his staff will fill out sheets with S's and U's - satisfactory or unsatisfactory - for each student, each exam taken. The sheets will appear in our mailboxes by 3pm on Monday.

It's a crapshoot because so much depends on the grader. Minister or Elder? Graded when they were fresh in the morning or tired at night? Someone who has something to prove? Someone whose on a war path, i.e. 'It was terrible for me therefore it should be terrible for everyone.'? First time grading or done this before? The variables are endless and thus, it's a crapshoot.

So please stop telling me, "I'm sure you aced them all!" or "I just know you'll sail right through!" Because this process isn't all about me. It's about whether what I wrote on those days in August happens to coincide with what some unknown grader is looking for in the moment they were grading. And all of your supposed to be encouraging comments (I do know you are trying to be supportive!) will only make the possibility that I failed one or more exam harder for me to swallow and harder for me to report. I have confidence in what I believe, in my call to ministry, and in my answers to the exams. I do not have confidence in the system.

All of that said, there's nothing I can do about it now, and someone once said we shouldn't worry today about what will happen tomorrow. So today I'm going to start knitting my first hat, begin preparing for my ethics midterm, and spend my evening at the engagement party of two great friends. O-Day will not ruin my Friday!